GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT: User Guide and Manual
by 0ptimuspenguin
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS! You have just purchased a GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit! We have provided this manual, in order to ensure that you, the owner, make the most of your unit...


**Disclaimer: I don't own APH or the writing style, which belongs to Theresa Green. **

**A/N:** more rewriting for headcanon (lolGermany'slastnameIcan'thelpit) and grammatical accuracy yeee

hints at various pairinggggs, sexist jokes

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**GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You have just purchased your very own GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit! This manual was created in order to allow you, the owner, to unlock your unit's full potentials, and it is advised that you read this pamphlet thoroughly before attempting to operate your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit, as mistreatment may result in an infuriated unit and aching body parts.

**Technical Specifications: **

Name: Gilbert Beilschmidt. Will respond to "Prussia", "East Germany", "East", "Your Awesomeness", "Gil", "Bruder", "Beilschmidt", and angrily to "Kaliningrad".

Age: 20

Place of Manufacture: Berlin, Germany

Height: 5'9"

Weight: 140 lbs

Length: Awesome.

/

**GENBEN Specifications**

_Your unit is one of two units who have an opposite-sex counterpart._

Name: Julchen Beilschmidt. Will respond to "Prussia", "East Germany", "East", "Your Royal Awesomeness", "Mutter", "Schwester", "Beilschmidt", and angrier to "Kaliningrad" than the normal GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit.

Age: 20

Place of Manufacture: Berlin, Germany

Height: 5'7"

Weight: 120 lbs

Size: 34C

This version of your unit has long platinum hair that she tends to do in outrageous styles.

**Your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit comes with the following:**

One (1) navy blue Luftwaffe SS uniform. Please note that JULCHEN BEILSCHMIDT's uniform is black and tailored to fit her.

One (1) Knights Cross of the Iron Cross

One (1) Teutonic Knight outfit

One (1) Gilbird unit

Five (5) blank journals

**Programming**

Your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit is equipped with the following traits:

Journalist: Your unit is quite a writer, and you can put this to use by getting him a job at the nearby newspaper or magazine studio. The editorials he writes will be great, but highly biased, so be warned before you take him to a studio.

Drinker: GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT has an amazing tolerance for alcohol, especially beer. He despises vodka, and will never drink it, but you can have your unit play in all sorts of drinking games that he will win every time! But a warning - the GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT tends to strip when she's drunk.

Model: Need some cash? Wanted a hotter star in those adult movies you love? Just send your unit to a modeling agency or movie audition, and he will immediately become popular. And with his natural exhibitionist nature, he will be right at home with this job! The GENBEN version of your unit has just the same personality, and will work just as well with this occupation.

Bandmate: Always wanted to be famous? Well, just have your unit play drums in your band and you'll soon find yourself the new craze! Just...don't let him sing.

**Removal of your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT from Packaging**

Due to your unit's volatile, rash nature, removing your unit from his box may prove to be quite the challenge. For your safety, we have provided a list of ways in which to wake him up, as improperly waking him will result in agony for you and all nearby.

1. Stand next to the box and pour beer on the lid. Your unit will claw his way out and harass you for some beer, and we advise you give it to him if you value your house. After getting his alcohol, he will be very friendly to you.

2. Set a plate of Austrian apple strudel next to the box, or play piano as well as you can. Your unit will get out carefully, probably in the belief that you are a RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit, and will try to ninja-jump you; reprogram him fast enough and he will not try to rape you.

3. Stand next to the box and say anything in Russian, preferably with the best accent you can manage. Your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit will tremble hard enough for the box to shake, and then you can open it and he will cry with joy at the fact that you are not an IVAN BRAGINSKI unit; he will also be very submissive to anything you want. If you would like a defiant unit, stand far, far away - preferably at a distance from which you need a microphone - and call your unit by 'Kaliningrad'. The box lid will fly off and your unit will go into a rage, searching for an IVAN BRAGINSKI; reprogram him quickly to avoid major damage to your house.

4. Activate his Gilbird unit. This will automatically awaken your unit and he will chase Gilbird down.

**Reprogramming**

After successfully awakening or calming down your unit, you can decide to change his settings from the default _AWESOME_ mode into any of the following, if you so choose.

All of the modes have slight adjustments for the GENBEN version of GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT.

_AWESOME (default)_

_Vital-Region Seizing (default)_

_Depressed_

_Horny_

_Frightened (locked)_

_Domesticated (locked)_

The GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit does indeed come in his _AWESOME_ mode, which basically entails him calling himself amazing and great. He also says often that he is "five metres", which you can take figuratively, or rip his clothes off and find out literally. We won't spoil it in this guide. GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT asks if you want to touch her breasts.

His _Vital-Region Seizing _mode is also a default, and this is signified by him constantly grabbing for your crotch, if you are a boy, or your breasts, if you are a girl. Sometimes he will go for the opposite of what he should, or for both; and sometimes if you have a really nice butt, he'll go for that. It is advisable to refuse if he gropes you and asks if you would like to see his five-metres, even though that might sound a terrible idea now; the same applies for GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT asking if you'd like to touch her chest.

The _Depressed_ mode is utilized simply by either telling him about your boyfriend, or talking about how cute your neighbor's RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit looks with your landlady's ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY unit; he will sit quietly in the corner and cry in most cases, while denying that he is lonely, or he might sob openly and run off to bother a nearby LUDWIG KALTHERZIG unit.

GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT's _Horny _mode is found by agreeing to his asking if you want to see his five-meters/touch her breasts, by dressing provocatively or incompletely, or by showing him porn. You could always triple-whammy him and do all three; remember that he is, technically, a legal adult, before you do anything. We, the makers of this manual, hereby give all claim to the owner and will not be blamed for whatever havoc is wreaked by your unit.

The _Frightened _mode is locked, and for a good reason. After getting GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT into it, it is extremely hard to get him out. He can be put into a light, watered-down version of this mode by a raging ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY, or he can be forcibly knocked into it by being in close proximity for longer than twenty seconds, on his own with a single IVAN BRAGINSKI unit. To get him out of _Frightened_, you will have to either leave him with a RODERICH EDELSTEIN, MATTHEW WILLIAMS or LUDWIG KALTHERZIG unit for a few days or weeks; call an ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY over (she will mock him enough that he will force himself out of the mode, after a while, though she might be kind to him too); or take the simple way out and put him under a heavy, one month or longer group therapy for rape and abuse victims.

The _Domestic _mode is also locked, but is not as hard to get your unit out of as Frightened is. This unit is accessed by putting an ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY unit into her _Transvestite _mode, or finding a GENBEN version of her and leaving him/her around you GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT for a few hours; sending him to live with a _WWII_-mode MATTHEW WILLIAMS for two weeks; or finding an _Out of Character _IVAN BRAGINSKI unit and having your unit live with him. In this mode, your unit might ask you to go buy him maid dresses and aprons, or lacy lingerie if you have a GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, and he will be extremely kind and mother like; he is, however, just as raunchy as normal, so be warned if you are putting him in this mode. Getting him out of this mode is simple: just remind the normal version that "only women should be in the kitchen", and tell the GENBEN version, as soon as she steps out of the kitchen, to "get back in there and make [me] a sandwich". The GENBEN version is known to bitch-slap her owner after being told that; we, the makers, hereby give all claim of this unit to the owner and will not be held responsible for any actions done by this unit.

**Relationships with Other Units**

RODERICH EDELSTEIN: He and GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT have a relationship that some see as hatred and others, mainly yaoi-shipping girls, see as unresolved sexual tension. This romance is not available for GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT units, sadly, as the only female unit for RODERICH EDELSTEIN is ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY. As either gender, your unit enjoys the company of RODERICH EDELSTEIN, interestingly enough, and will go off and bug him periodically.

ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY: GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT and she have a long past, based from when the female unit believed herself to be male. Now, GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT mocks her for it, but if you order the GENBEN versions of these units then they will gravitate towards each other and most likely end up in a relationship.

IVAN BRAGINSKI: When you receive him, your unit has nothing but animosity for IVAN BRAGINSKI. With some coaxing, this hate can - like with the RODERICH EDELSTEIN unit - turn into love. Or something close to love, anyway. Unfortunately for GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, this love is more BDSM-centered than any other pairing you can make with the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit, and quite possibly with any of the units we offer. With GENBEN, your unit will hate the IVAN BRAGINSKI unit just as much, but there is a slightly less chance of romance as with a male GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, as the GENBEN version's first choice is GENBEN ELIZAVETA HEDERVARY.

LUDWIG KALTHERZIG: Your unit is the older sibling of the LUDWIG KALTHERZIG unit, despite the last names, and hence feels compelled to take care of him. That, of course, entails buying him beer and porn, and taking him to strip clubs every few weeks. The GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT has no shame and tends to walk around either naked or in a bra and underwear, and the LUDWIG KALTHERZIG unit is used to it and will not respond; if he is, however, in his _Defeated _mode, then GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT will often corner him. It is not advised to leave a _Horny _GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, or even a normal GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, around LUDWIG KALTHERZIG. Ever.

GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT: Your unit is one of the few who can actually love himself to the extent of starting a relationship. It might consist of two GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT units, two GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT units, or one GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT and one GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit. It might also be the same (GENBEN) GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit and his/her hand.

**Cleaning**

GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT is capable of cleaning himself, and we advise that you avoid bathing with him if you don't want to be raped in the bath. The GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT is just as bad.

**Feeding**

Your GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT can feed himself, but we suggest getting him apple strudel a few times a month and keeping your fridge stocked with beer.

**Rest**

Both GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT and GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT are lazy as hell, and will sleep whenever they feel like sleeping or are too drunk to continue wandering the world of the conscious.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: Gilbird has vanished, and now my GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT has, too! What should I do?

A: Wait for your unit to return. He will not come back until he has found his bird unit.

Q: My GENBEN GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT unit hates keeping her clothes on. She just pulls them off in public and walks around naked. How can I make her stop?

A: Get her a job in the porn industry, or find her a boyfriend/girlfriend/good dildo.

Q: GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT is giving me hell because he lost his iron cross.

A: Buy a new one from Customer Support, or tell him to get off his lazy ass and find it. He will respect you more for responding that way to him.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: Instead of a boisterous, arrogant (GENBEN) GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT, you received a meek and submissive male who just stares at you with empty eyes and does anything you want. He also refuses beer, asking instead for vodka, and refuses to eat anything but Slavic foods.

Answer: Whoops, we sent you a KALININGRAD unit on accident. This unit is male and has been beaten, raped, and or drugged into submission by IVAN BRAGINSKI over the course of nearly thirty years. He is also very easy to corner, as he will do nothing no matter how badly you hurt him; he is also a great cook, and is much friendlier around TORIS LORINAITIS, RAIVIS GALANTE and EDUARD VON BOCK then he is normally. Since you probably don't want such a meek unit, you can call Customer Services for an exchange.

Problem: Your unit spends too much time cooped up in his room on the computer, or writing in those journals.

Answer: Your unit has gotten back into his love of blogging and/or chronicling his life. Let it happen; eventually he'll get bored and tell you to make you a sandwich and then, when he comes to eat, you can take the computer and/or notebooks away and everything will go back to normal...at least, until he realizes that the computer is gone, but that won't be for a few weeks.

**End Notes**

With the proper care and treatment, you can find a valuable companion in (GENBEN) GILBERT BEILSCHMIDT. We wish you good luck with your unit, because you're going to need it.

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**A/N: **fffft _Germany's surname_. rewrite three


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